Why Me?
by Ryoshu Kin
Summary: The Ninjas of Naruto are forced to take Sex ED class... Haku and Zabuza are there too... M rating to be safe...rated for language and implications,


Why Me?

Disclaimer: Own Naruto, I do not. Kidnap Haku, I must. Talk like Yoda, I do. I'm done, sorry.

Warning: Suggestive themes, Really funny, don't die laughing.

Author's note: Poor Haku and Naruto have to take the new, and dreaded, Health and Sex Ed classes in the ninja academy. Kakashi, Zabuza, and Sasuke do too. Only the really old ninjas were spared. (Jaws music playing in the background.) You have to pity the teachers. Ages (For my purposes.): Haku-22, Naruto-18, Kakashi-26, Zabuza-28, and Sasuke-18

"Okay boys," Miss. Izumi, the teacher, said calmly, "Could any of you tell me how a woman gets pregnant"  
"Ah, the dreaded 'how much do you know' question." Kakashi whispered to Naruto, who snickered.  
"I know this one, Miss. Izumi!" Naruto called out, "The guy fucks the girl and gets her knocked up. Then the kid is born and they're stuck with the brat 'till he turns 18." Snickers came from the other high ranking, and experienced, ninjas in the room. Haku was sitting next to Zabuza in the back row, hiding his face and pretending not to know Naruto. Zabuza patted his back reassuringly, as if to say 'Don't worry, it'll be over soon.' "Please take a seat...Naruto." Miss. Izumi said, reading his nametag that was on upside-down. Then she noticed Haku. "Young lady in the back, you are in the wrong classroom. You should be ashamed!" Haku, who was strongly considering an assassination attempt, replied evenly, "Miss. Izumi, I am not a lady, nor am I young. I am a 22-year-old man. I do not, however, want to be here. If you want me to leave I will, gladly." He then stood and walked toward the door.  
"Hold it." Ordered Miss. Izumi. "I don't believe that you could possibly be a man. I know men; you're a woman! (To this Sasuke added, "She probably has a new one every night." in a disgusted tone, causing more snickers) Come up here to the front of the room, you need to learn your lesson about dishonesty"  
Haku turned and walked menacingly toward the teacher. "Maybe I don't believe that you are a woman. Or maybe you're just jealous that I'm a guy and I still make you look like a man." He said, accenting certain words to make his little speech all the more insulting. He stood in front of the Miss. Izumi glaring up at her. Before things could get ugly, Sasuke yelled from his seat, "Haku is a boy, Miss. Izumi. He's one of the strongest Ninjas in the village, too." "Um," Miss Izumi stuttered, "forgive me, Haku, If you'll take your seat we can continue"  
"The chair's too hard." Haku said, calmly picking up the teacher's chair and walking back to his spot with it. He leaned his head on the table and watched indifferently as she continued the lesson, without her chair.

An hour later... "... and that is how the human bodies interlink, any questions?" Naruto raised his hand. "Does anyone, but Naruto, have any questions"  
Kakashi, above raising his hand, called out. "What if someone in here likes guys? Care to explain that"  
"Kakashi, No one in this room likes guys." Miss. Izumi replied coldly.  
"I think that was a confession! You're a lesbian!" Naruto shouted, standing up and pointing at the teacher.  
"...Or a guy." Was heard from Haku's side of the room.  
Zabuza, who to this point had been quiet, burst out laughing, fell out of his chair, and, trying to catch himself, pulled Haku down with him. Haku landed straddling Zabuza's waist. He blushed fiercely, and was trying to decide what to do when another ninja pushed him down so his lips met Zabuza's. His blush worsened and he pulled away quickly, giving Zabuza a longing look. "Fag." Miss. Izumi muttered under her breath. Haku looked like someone who was caught in the middle of the train track when they know the train is coming. The other ninjas were laughing so hard that several of them were rolling on the ground. Tears welled in Haku's eyes, he felt so bad that he was being laughed at that he wanted to disappear. Zabuza wasn't sure what to do; he couldn't hug his lover in front of everyone, that would only make it worse. He didn't have to worry for long though, because Naruto did something that shut everyone up, even the teacher.  
Naruto whistled, drawing attention to himself, then he pulled Kakashi out of his seat and, pulling down his mask, kissed him full on the lips. He wrapped his arms around Kakashi tightly and tilted his head back for a better angle. Everyone was dead silent, not even the gerbil moved. Kakashi responded to the kiss, wrapping his arms around Naruto, he kissed him back passionately. When they pulled back from the kiss, panting, everyone just stared in shock. Haku and Zabuza were nowhere to be seen because they'd slipped out of the classroom while everyone else was distracted.  
"Settle down everyone!" Miss. Izumi shouted, but no one was paying attention.  
Naruto noticed that Sasuke was blushing and looking away. His gaze traveled lower and he exclaimed, "Sasuke! Either you're hiding a gun in your pants, or you enjoyed watching that! You wish you'd been participating, don't you"  
"In your dreams, Loser." Sasuke muttered, blushing harder.  
"Wet dreams." Naruto corrected teasingly. He and Kakashi had agreed that they should try to get Sasuke to join them, so he was.  
Sasuke shivered, but other than that and the blush, he gave no outward sign of how strongly Naruto's words affected him.  
"Class dismissed." Miss. Izumi said dejectedly, sulking off to the teacher's lounge, where Naruto had switched the coffee to decaf.  
As he walked by, Naruto slipped a note into Sasuke's hand. It read:  
Meet us at sundown at Kakashi's house.  
To be continued... 


End file.
